Welcome

This is my blog especially dedicated to my "Very Precious Angel Son "Nicholas".
On this blog you will find "My Story" of my very short time with Nicholas, as well as a few other
momento's.
Nicholas is in my heart and thoughts forever.
Everyday, everywhere I am I'm always reminded of him, and continually wish he was here, even for just a moment, to be able to see, touch, hold, kiss and tell him how much I love and miss him.
Soon I'm going to put on here my very few photos that I have of him, which some people may find confronting. Of those of you that decided to view Nicholas' photos, I hope they don't upset you too much, so I will be putting them at the very bottom of this page just in case you decide that you don't want to see them.
I'm sad that I have to put a warning on here of his photo's, as I think he looks so beautiful and perfect, but I do understand that not everyone feels that way.
Thank you for visiting my blog of Nicholas. Please come back often, as I'll be adding more posts, etc of my life after losing Nicholas.
Please leave a comment, as I would love to hear from you.
Kay xxxx

Nicholas' Hand & Footprints Birth Certificate

Nicholas' Hand & Footprints Birth Certificate

Thank You Tabitha - From Precious Babes xxxx

Nicholas

Nicholas
Thank You Melissa xxxx

Nicholas

Nicholas
Thank You Carly xxxx

Saturday, February 28, 2009

" OUR ANGEL IN HEAVEN "


" THE BRIGHTEST STAR IN THE NIGHT SKY "


" NICHOLAS ALEXANDER "


Thursday 28th April 1994



Mum always said to me,


" Never have kids to you feel your ready "


So I didn't until I was 32,


I had met the most wonderful man, Chris.




Chris and I met each other through working together, and after getting to know each other we became a couple in January 1990. In January 1992 we started living together, Chris was working and I was studying. We often spoke about having children one day "When the time was right"...


In late September 1993, we definitely felt the time was right to start trying to have our own precious little family. I visited my local GP, and asked: " Is there anything special I need to do, or any tests I need to have," because Chris & I were both in our 30's, and we wanted to give our future baby the best possible chance in life. My GP's reply: "No, and I don't need to tell you how to make babies."..... So off I went......



Then in mid January 1994, I was feeling quite nauseous. I hadn't actually missed a period at that stage, but Chris and I decided that on the morning of 26th January, "Australia Day", I would do a home pregnancy test. I remember it so clearly, like it was just yesterday, I woke up at 4.am and did the test, Chris was still asleep. In the beautiful silence of the early morning, living up in "The Dandenongs", east of Melbourne, I watched with baited breath at the screen, to see if we were pregnant.........


It only took 30 seconds for those two beautiful lines to show up...... I was so overcome with emotion. I sat there silently, rubbing my tummy, thinking of our beautiful baby, so tiny growing inside me.... I was there alone, for 30 minutes, just me and my precious child growing within, already loving, bonding, singing and talking to our future "Little Australian". When I finally woke Chris up to hear our wonderful news, he too was overcome with emotion. We lay together talking for hours about our precious baby and the intense love we felt for our baby.


A couple of days later I went to visit my GP, to get our pregnancy confirmed, he was so very happy for us both.... we were at the beginning of our journey....We were 4 weeks pregnant....with our very precious son, because we didn't know the sex of our baby at that time, we nicknamed him "Squirter."


Chris and I were both so very happy and excited, we immediately rang up our family and friends with our wonderful news....they too were very happy for us both.


Our little squirter was growing quickly. Sometimes I felt quite sick, but overall I seemed to always be hungry. I would eat anything and everything that I could get my hands on. My blood tests showed that I was low in iron, so I had to take iron tablets....


Chris and I decided that we wouldn't buy or look for any baby things for squirter until I was 20 weeks, the only thing I did do, was make, for Squirter a little "Collingwood Football Jumper" I'd designed myself... At the time I was knitting my own designer jumpers, that I was selling in a local shop. Both Chris and I were mad Collingwood supporters, so naturally we thought our precious son would be too.


I started putting on a bit of weight, but I wasn't worried as I was "Eating for two"!!!!


I was 16weeks and proudly showing off my quickly growing tummy, I could feel squirter moving inside me, always responding to my touch, he was also very active at night time when I was trying to go off to sleep. It was Easter, so Chris and I decided to go away for a few days, thinking we wouldn't have much of a chance once squirter was born. We had such a lovely time, Chris & I with our future, fast growing & very active son, growing inside me......

We were both so happy, in love with each other, and squirter.....


The following weekend, friends of ours came to visit us, and bought over a baby capsule for us to borrow from them, for when our son was born.... I was 17 weeks.....As soon as they brought the baby capsule into our house, I felt so very sick, & had a terrible feeling all over me....Its hard to put that feeling into words ... I had never felt that before in my life..... I tried to push the feelings aside, but I couldn't, so once our friends left, I told Chris how I was feeling and we decided to put the baby capsule into the spare bedroom, where we couldn't see it?????


The following days I tried very hard to focus on seeing Nicholas for the first time, because we were having our 18 week ultrasound on the Friday 15th April.....Nicholas was so active and always responding to Chris' & my touch... its as if he was trying to tell us something..... but all the time I still kept having that dreadful feeling.


On the Friday, Chris and I went to our local hospital for my 18 week ultrasound.... and there we saw our darling precious Nicholas for the first time.....he was constantly moving so the specialist was having a bit of trouble trying to see him properly, but she didn't seem to be too concerned....we saw his little heart beating, so strong.........blissfully happy we went back home, with our very first photo of Nicholas.


Over that weekend, nearly everything was normal except our cat "Tuppence", he wouldn't go into the bedroom where we had put the baby capsule, he didn't leave me alone, always wanting to be by my side or sit on my lap....which was unusual for him, he wasn't that sort of cat....And I still was having that terrible feeling all over.....Nicholas was always moving......


On the Monday, Chris had gone to work, and I was home with Tuppence....who was still acting very strange......Nicholas was moving so much....I was so tired.....I still had the terrible feeling......I tried very hard to take comfort that Nicholas was still alive inside me, so he must be okay.......


At lunchtime my world, as I once knew it changed forever.....My Doctor rang me and said "Chris and I needed to go and see him straight away."...... It was at that defining moment...Time stood still....I knew it was bad news about our precious Nicholas......My doctor didn't want to tell me anything over the telephone, as he knew I was home by myself......But I persisted, I wanted to know there and then what was wrong....eventually my doctor thought it was best to tell me, because I was getting very angry with him......I wanted & needed to know about our Son......


It was then my doctor told me the horrendous news of our poor sweet innocent Nicholas.........He said: "Your baby has Spina Bifida ".........I of course had heard of it before, but never really knew what it was........I fired off so many questions to my doctor, and he just said that Chris and I should come to see him straight away..........I told him we would be there in 1 hour, because that's how long it would take for Chris to get back home........


I then rang Chris at work, and told him the devastating news of precious Nicholas.....he was coming home......


Time stood still......and at the same time I didn't know that this was going to be the first of many long agonizing seconds, minutes, hours & days of waiting............
I phoned up my wonderful sister, while I waited for Chris to come home................................she too had heard of this condition, but didn't know much about it either.......................we cried together........................so many tears......................she was there with me, and for me.............................while I waited and waited....................
As soon I heard Chris' car drive in, I ran out to him...................the look on his pale white face was devastating, it was like he was looking into hell.................and we were..............As soon as we got to the doctors, the very kind receptionist took us into one of the doctors spare rooms at the back of the surgery, closed the door for us, and again we waited......................our doctor finally came in to speak with us ,and he too had a very pale white face.......................he tried to explain what Spina Bifida was.........but I had alot of trouble comprehending it all, he then phoned up the "Monash Medical Centre", which is one of the major hospitals in eastern Melbourne, to make us an appointment to have a more extensive ultrasound, to see a specialist and to find out the severity of Nicholas' condition. We then had to wait for 2 days before we could get into see the specialists at the hospital................. our doctor tried very hard to comfort both of us................but we were in complete devastating shock.........................
And so began another very long wait...................................................
Chris and I never left each others side, we cried so very many tears, spoke so many words, constantly hoping that Nicholas wasn't going to be to severely effected, and even desperately hoping that the first ultrasound was wrong, and that someone had made a terrible mistake.................................
And we waited.................and waited..............and waited...............
Nicholas was still moving around inside me alot, always responding to my touch...........like it was as if he was trying to comfort me.......................
Finally Wednesday came, and off we went to the hospital, with so much hope in our hearts.....................We saw a specialist who explained Nicholas' condition in more detail, of what his chances could be................but of course we needed to have another ultrasound, a more extensive one, to see how severely effected Nicholas was .......................... We then went down to have our ultrasound..................we were told we had to wait, and he showed us into the waiting room, which was full of other pregnant ladies, all smiling, talking, laughing they all seemed to be so happy.......................I couldn't bear it.................so Chris & I waited out in the hallway by ourselves with no words to say to each other, or anyone.................almost complete silence except for the soft sounds of a radio nearby.....................that's when I heard the song "Sacrifice" by Elton John............................I was hoping and praying like I'd never done before......................
Finally we were taken into the room to have the ultrasound, it was so dark and quite, not a sound except for the soft voice of the lady doing our ultrasound....................once again time stood still as we waited, hoped and prayed, that Nicholas was going to be okay..............after a short time the specialist came in as well to show us on the screen, where the exact problems were on Nicholas' spine and head........................................Nicholas' first diagnosis was confirmed...............Chris & I were gutted, heartbroken, in total devastating shock............we then asked if we could find out the sex of our precious baby...................You've got a boy the lady said, still in her soft soothing voice.......................She then had to do an amniocentesis....................I could see on the screen, Nicholas' heart beating away so strongly, and he was still constantly moving...................
Not long after we were again shown back into the waiting room, to wait for the specialist to give us the full diagnosis, more details and to try and answer all of our questions...............we couldn't sit in that waiting room, we wanted to be only with each other, alone with our precious Nicholas, so we waited in the hallway again.........................no words were spoken..................our hearts had been torn out.........................those seconds, minutes, hours................I don't know how long we waited.................time stood still.................
The specialists showed us into a small room, and explained in full detail Nicholas' diagnosis. Our precious Nicholas had Spina Bifida (myelomeningocele - the most severe type), and also Hydrocephalus, which showed that his brain was pulled down into his neck, and his skull was full with fluid........................we were then given the heartbreaking choice of terminating our pregnancy.....................of course we wanted to know all the answers of how Nicholas would be if we continued with the pregnancy.............................they couldn't give us definite answers, only numerous percentages, maybe this, maybe that,maybe constant numerous operations every year of his life,maybe he would be paralyzed, he wouldn't know who we were, he would always be in pain, on an on with percentages............at this stage his condition wasn't good,................it could get even worse...............they just didn't know, they couldn't tell us...............We asked whats the best thing for us to do for Nicholas...............they couldn't tell us that either. We wanted so much for them to tell us exactly what Nicholas would be like, and What decision to make......................they couldn't..............we were his parents, so it was up to us to make the heartbreaking choice................that was it.................we were told to go home and make our final decision before the following Tuesday, because if we decided to terminate our pregnancy, it had to be done by law, before I was 20 weeks!!!!..............
We were given only "6 Days" to gather as much information as we could, talk with the Spina Bifida Association & make a decision!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Out of those 6 days, 2 were the weekend and 1 other day was a public holiday................we only had "3 Days".................We had to phone the Hospital on Tuesday morning to let them know of our decision..............That was it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Chris & I cried all the way home......................................Time stood still.....................
When we got home, we contacted the Spina Bifida Association, they sent us out a comphrensive book...................and they too only gave us percentages, again maybe this, maybe that........................
We phoned our family with the devastating news...............and recieved many different reactions, most were of concern and support for us in whichever decision we made.....................One family member was ever so blunt and cruel, and said " GET RID OF IT, ITS NO GOOD"!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! As if Nicholas was an "IT", a nothing, something to be thrown out in the rubbish................after all, they thought he wasn't really even a baby, just a fetus, a thing...............a nothing....................Alot of them were very concerned how we would cope looking after a baby, a child, an adult.............because we were also told that Nicholas could live a very long time. Having Spina Bifida & hydrocphalus doesn't give him a shorter life expentantcy. Many did say we could "Always have another baby", one that was perfect and healthy...............We didn't want another baby, we only wanted Nicholas, he was our baby.................Would someone say to me if Chris, or another family wasn't perfect or died, "That I could always have another one."...................No................It's only with a baby, that your told "You can always have another one"......................................
Only a few were thinking of how Nicholas' life would be, most of them only said of how Chris' and my life would be..........................But to Chris & I, our thoughts were never about us or our lives, how we would cope, our thoughts were only how life would be for Nicholas, his quality of life............."Thats what was the most important".............the constant pain he would have, the numerous operations, and also who would look after him, once Chris & I died, nobody out there would love him or take good care of him, like Chris & I would........he was our baby, our boy, our son, our precious Nicholas..............................
Throughout those 6 days, Chris & I were together as one, we supported each other, it was never me or him, it was always us, we were Nicholas' parents, and only we could make the heartbreaking choice...........so many loving, comforting, gentle words were spoken between us, so many tears were shed..........and yet we still didn't know what to do.....................we just wanted what was best for our precious Nicholas.......................How does anyone make the choice of letting their precious baby live a life of suffering, or choose to let them die?????????
Then very late on the Monday night, Chris and I eventually thought of how it would be for us, would we, could we cope??????? We didn't know................We had to make a decision, we didn't want to, we wanted someone else to do that for us................But it was only us that could make that decision.......................Our hearts were totally ripped, shredded, torn and broken..........................
And then we finally made the choice...............to not let Nicholas suffer, we only wanted what was best for him...........so we chose to terminate our pregnancy........................................
The dreadful Tuesday morning arrived, Chris phoned the hospital and spoke with the midwife, I just couldn't, I couldn't say those words......................The midwife was very caring and concerned for us, she wanted to make sure that we were certain with our decision, she especially wanted to speak to me, I couldn't get my mouth to work, I didn't want to say anything, I couldn't stop crying. With a very concerned voice she asked me: "Do you want to terminate your pregnancy?"........"I said I don't KNOW"...............She then asked: "Do you want to continue with your pregnancy?"..................."I said I don't KNOW"...............I was living my worst ever nightmare, I wanted to wake up and realise Nicholas' diagnosis, was only a horrific nightmare..................But I was already awake, and this was very real...........
She then told us to come in to the hospital the next morning at 7am to begin our termination, I was going to have to be induced and go through a natural delivery.........Chris & I were gutted.....................
That Tuesday, our last day at home with our precious living Nicholas was gut renching, Chris & I packed a small bag with our things to take to the hospital...................no words were spoken, just many many tears, we held each other so tight, we both felt Nicholas moving inside me, we tried to speak to him..................we couldn't say any words.............
Wednesday morning came so quickly, we don't remember going to the hospital, we just sat in the reception area and waited for the midwife to come and get us................When she did, she took us up through the delivery suite, passing all those rooms were other couples were happily having their babies, heavily pregnant women everywhere with huge smiles on their faces...............It was extreme torture for Chris & I......................The midwife then took us into a small motel like room, just next to all those delivery suites..................When I walked in I was shocked, this is where our precious Nicholas was going to die............The only things in the room were a queen size bed, a TV and an ensuite! She then proceeded with the usual documentation of signing me into the hospital, and told us the doctor would come at 8am to start our induction. She explained that they were going to induce me using a gel, which would be inserted into my cervix every 4 hours, and each time I would have to lay on the bed for 1 hour afterwards, but then we would be free to walk around the hospital, or do whatever we wanted until it would be time for the next one. She also explained that it would probably take 3 or 4 trys before I would go into labour, but I would probably have our baby by that night sometime....................and then she left the room.......................
Chris & I just looked at each other................we couldn't speak, we didn't have too, we could both see in each others eyes how we were feeling.....................Time stood still...........
Just after 8am the doctor and midwife came into the room and began the induction..........
And then they left..............we were alone again.....................
We could hear just down the hall babies being born.................So after an hour of laying on the bed, we went walking around the hospital..................Our hearts were breaking, everytime we left our room, we had to go passed the delivery suites, hearing all those newborn baby cries...............It was torture.............We had to get away from that area of the hospital. When we were walking around the hospital, it felt like everyone was smiling at me, as it was very obvious I well into my pregnancy.................If only they knew our precious baby was going to die..........................
After the 2nd inducement, a different midwife came into see us, and gave us some booklets to read, about "When a baby dies"............She also asked us what we wanted to do with Nicholas's body once he was born?........We both had no idea, of the many different options there was available to us................She said, because Nicholas was going to be born before 20 weeks, he couldn't have a birth or death certificate.......................So did that mean in the law's and governments mind he was also goingto be a nothing.......................They didn't reacognize him as a baby.......................to them he was just another termination (abortion as they would call it).....................As if he was never here, after all in medical terms he was classed as just, a fetus!!!!!!!!!!!!...............To Chris & I, Nicholas was never just a fetus, he was always, always a baby, a real little human being, a person....................He was never just a thing or a fetus...................
We decided that for our precious Nicholas, we would give him a hospital funeral..........We couldn't just put him: "Out with the other hospital disposals." as another midwife offered us!!
That day was torture....................Nothing.......... Just every four hours..............was one step closer to Nicholas' death. At 8pm when the doctor came in to give me my fourth inducement, he said that this would be the last one for tonight and it would all begin again at 7 o'clock the next morning, if I didn't go into labour through the night.................
Time stood still....................waiting........... seconds, minutes, hours & now days.............
Chris & I hardly got any sleep that night, we tried to watch the TV........My mind wasn't there...............
I didn't go into labour through the night, so sure enough my inducements began all over again at 7am, by this stage I was getting very sore, and I was always hoping for a lady doctor, because they were so much more gentle...................so we waited again...............and again, when I was given my 6th enducement at 11am, the doctor said I would be only able to have one more, and if I didn't go into labour after that, Chris & I would have to go back home, and come back to the hospital on the Monday morning................What was he saying, we were told we had to terminate before 20 weeks, and I was going to be 20 weeks on the Saturday..............His very blunt answer was: "They needed the bed"..............It was then I knew that some other poor parents where going to go through, what we were going through too.
And again we waited........................... Still being tortured by the sounds of newborn baby cries nearby........................By now Chris & I had decided to stay in our room, to try and ease our pain together, just the two of us.............And we waited.................
3 o'clock came and I was given my final inducement, we were told if I still hadn't gone into labour by 6pm, we would have to go home...................
Nicholas must of heard, because not long after he stopped moving, as hard as I could to get him to respond to my touch...............there was nothing............had he already died?????
At 5pm I started getting slight cramps in my tummy, was this the start of my labour????? I didn't know, ever so slowly the cramps got stronger, so I called for the midwife, and she confirmed that I had actually started to go into labour..............Finally.............Was Nicholas doing this so his mummy and daddy so we wouldn't have to keep on suffering????
Every so often the midwife would come into check on me, and offer pain relief, which I kept refusing, she said: "Its no use me going through so much pain, because my baby was going to be dead anyway!".................For some unexplainable reason I thought it would harm Nicholas, and I didn't want to hurt him, even though he was dying!!!! The midwife try to reassure me that it wouldn't harm him, and that if anything it would probably ease his pain too......So I then agreed to the pain relief.............It didn't make any difference though.......
Chris & I wanted to run away from the horrible situation we were going through, so we tried very hard to concentrate on watching the TV.........We were watching; "The Footy Show" AFL, trying very hard to escape into the TV......but we couldn't......The midwife again came in at 9.30, and by this stage I was having very regular contractions, so she stayed with us...........Very soon afterwards, I felt the most excruiting pain in my life, the midwife told me to push, so I did.......And Nicholas was born.........it was 9.57pm..........I was terrified to look at Nicholas (To this day I still don't know why I felt that way). The midwife then took Nicholas over to a baby crib, wrapped him in a blanket, and placed him in my arms..........I looked into his tiny sweet face..............he did a little sigh...............and then there was nothing.............I still wonder if he actually died in my arms, or was his little sigh just part of death...........I love to believe that he actually did die in my arms, and thats what I keep in my heart to give me comfort, that he didn't die alone.............
The midwife checked me over, then left the room.................
There we were, Chris & I alone with our "Precious Sweet Little Nicholas," and he was gone, passed on up into heaven, to be with his grandmother.........He was our perfect boy, 10 tiny fingers, 10 tiny toes, his feet were exactly like Chris', long & skinny, but also very very tiny, his whole hand fitted over my fingernail of my little finger, thats how tiny he was...........We never looked at his back, because we didn't want to see the defects on his spine............To us he was, and will always be perfect...........
A short time later the very caring and thoughtful midwife came back in and asked us if we would like her to take some photos of us........We hadn't even thought of that, and were deeply touched..............So she took our "First Ever Family Photos", just the 3 of us. Precious Nicholas with his devasted and heartbroken Mummy & Daddy...........Chris and I were so overcome with emotion of what we had been through, so we kindly asked the midwife to take Nicholas away...........I don't know why we did that, and I've stopped questioning myself why, its just what we felt we needed to do at that time.........So she took our Precious Nicholas away, and we were alone now, just the two of us again..........We Cried together................
Later on the midwife again came back into see us, and this time she gave us the beautiful birth/death certificate she had kindly made for us with Nicholas' hand and footprints. Both Chris & I were deeply touched with her very kind & caring thoughtfulness, we hadn't even thought of getting his hand & footprints either, just like the photos............Little did we know then, how special and treasured these tiny little memories of our son's short life would be to us................
That night Chris & I were exhausted, but we still had alot of trouble sleeping...........
The next morning when I woke up, everything hit me like a truck........I suddenly realised what I had done........ Nicholas had died......I would never feel him inside me, moving around, responding to me...........I had killed my own child...............I remember thinking, what have I done????................I should of realised that once he was dead, that would be it..........I desperately asked the midwife to please bring Nicholas back in with me, so she did..........He was so cold............I couldn't stop looking at him, trying desperately to implant the vision of him in my brain, I was never going to see or hold him again.........Just like when my Mum had died............Why didn't anyone tell me that I would feel this way, why didn't they warn me of the consquences of what I did................Nicholas was gone from this earth forever..........That's when the enormous overflow of tears really started..............
Before we knew it, it was time for Chris & I to leave the hospital..............and leave our precious son behind............we would never see him again..............that walk out of the hospital, was the hardest walk I've ever done, again for the last time, we had to walk past all those newborn baby cries..............Chris carried our bag and lovely flowers (that we had recieved from the family) out, while I walked out with "Empty Arms".........It was all so wrong, Nicholas was so much planned, wanted & loved, he was supposed to be with his mummy and daddy, not being left back there in the hospital...........
We drove back home, not a word was spoken, tears streaming down our faces...............
We had to stop at a shop on the way home to buy some milk and bread, Chris went in while I sat on the chair outside, watching everybody going about their daily business...........Our lives were crushed...............we would never be the same again..............
When we walked back into our home, there was the tiny little jumper, I had been making for Nicholas, half finished laying on the couch.............My first thought was I need to finish it before Nicholas' funeral................So thats what I did for the next few days............and I finished it in time.................Nicholas never got to see it or wear it, but it was his, and I treasure it.................
I have no other memory of that time between Nicholas' death and his funeral, other than crying all the time...............
The following Wednesday was the day of Nicholas' funeral. Because we had decided to give Nicholas a hospital funeral, which is always held on the first Wednesday of every month for all the babies that have died in the previous month, it was a mass funeral with lots of other little babies too.
On the way to the hospital, we had to stop at the post office. Chris went in while I sat in the car, and on the radio came the song by Wendy Matthews called: "The Day You Went Away." It words of the song were so true, the weather that day was beautiful, with clear blue sky, and the sun was shining..........As the words of the song say: "I thought that it would rain the day you went away." It was so true, why was the weather so beautiful that day, when we were going to be burying our son.............In the hospital chapel, all the tiny white coffins lay at the altar, all those precious sweet tiny babies. I went up to find Nicholas' coffin, and realised that they were all boxes wrapped in white plastic, with stickers on them..............I was crushed...........I looked for Nicholas', when I found it, the sticker on it didn't even have his name on it, all it said was: "Baby of Kay & Chris."..................I placed a yellow rose on top, and then went and sat down between Chris and his brother..................I have no idea what was said at the funeral, all I can remember is Chris, his brother & I holding each other and crying uncontrolby...........After the service we all then went to the cemetary to bury our precious babies..................We all arrived before the funeral director................And were horrified when his car pulled up near the grave site. It was just a normal average sedan car, we were wondering where our babies were, when the funeral director opened the boot!!!!! And there they were our precious babies white boxes, stacked in the boot like you would put in the shopping...............We were all grief sticken with the sight..................Then the Father's of the babies, each carried their own baby's little white coffin down to the grave and each one was gently placed inside.......................It broke my already broken heart seeing Chris carry Nicholas' coffin and ever so gently place it inside the grave..............Chris & I then placed another yellow rose on his coffin, along with a red one from Chris' grandmother had asked us to put on for her.............The grave side service was very short.............And we all left..........
Nicholas has gone from this earth forever...............
He lives on forever in our hearts and minds.............
I continue to live with the guilt for what I've done, and always will.........
Please don't judge me, unless you youself have walked a mile in my shoes.......
I take alot of comfort knowing that my Mum is in heaven looking after Nicholas for me......












10 comments:

  1. SO very proud of you for writing this here. You won't know how many it will comfort in its similarity to their own journey.

    With much love and a big warm hug,

    K
    xxxxx

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  2. You have described these events very clearly and I have travelled your road with you through your words, crying with you. However, I still think that if nature had taken its own course, you would not be feeling so bad about it now. If it is God's choice to have your baby back with him so soon, then he must be very special to God, but it is not our choice. I hope that time will take away some of the tears. Anybody who reads this account will have deep feelings for you, I'm sure. I wish I could make it right again for you, I really do. Blessings, Star x

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  3. A most moving post. Twenty two years ago we lost a three month old boy, David, and have always realised how fortunate we were to have him for those three months to hold and care for and love. I think this is a lovely way you have commemorated what Nicholas gave you.
    Kindest regards and love
    John

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  4. Kay...
    Sweetheart you have written such a beautiful tribute/memoir for your precious little boy, Nicholas.... he will be so proud of his mummy for carrying on his name & in turn giving so much support to so many other mummy's, daddy's & families that sadly have had to suffer the loss of a baby.
    My princess Ella-Mae was born by emergancy c-sec at 25+2 on 8th June 06 as i had severe pre-eclampsia.... all decisions were taken out of my hands as my health was also suffering, so i hold so much deep guilt, regret & pain inside me even to this day.... my baby girl sadly passed away at 3 days old in NICU.
    My heart goes out to you & all your family,
    bless you for taking my hand in friendship.
    Shelly xxx

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  5. My dearest Kay, My heart goes out to you, i was crying while reading your blog, and i will never judge you. I stiil feel the same towards you as when we first became friends.I am sorry i have not read sooner, but things are still very raw with my loss.
    You and Chris, did what you thought was best for you beautiful nicholas, and the right choice for the both off you. Who are we too judge, who knows what we would do until in the same situation.
    I loss two angel sons one at 22wks, who they could not revive properly he was stopped breathing when i delivered him, i had bleeding for %days, but managed to keep him inside me, untill the 22wks exactly.His name was george-paul and he would have been 17yrs old now. Born 10/4/1992.My pain has never gone away. I then had a son wesley born at 35wks, weighig 5lb, who is now stong, and i idolise him and spoil him to a certain extent. Then more recently last nov 30th 2009, i was going for my scan, and to keep a check when all changed, i hadnt been feeling well for 2wks, and thought it was my age etc i was 44 at the time. I kept complaing of headaches, sickness and pain in my ribs, but told on many occassions nothing to worry about,i then developed servere pre eclampsia, i still didnt think it was that bad,until i was pumped with drugs tubes etc and them trying to stable lise mr to get me to a hosp which had neontal unit fr babies born under 25wks,i was taken by amb on my own 80mile away.(I'm a single mum)bstd left me when fell preg!! I managed to keep my baby i didnt know what sex until he was born inside me for a further 5days, i lied about my pain,i was slowly dying myself,but wanted to try and save my baby, i didnt care about me, my family were called to say i may not make it, neither may christian, i was rushed to theatre, had emerg c sect, the doctors overalled me, i had to sign to say ok,i made them promise to work on christain,The hospital, docts nursing were amazing at meadway hosp, i can never repay them, for what they did for me & christian, Christian was rushed to NICU, and i was on intensive care, for 2days,they then came and rushed me to him ,as christian was loosing his life thay had resussitated him once,but he then had a massive haemorrage in his lungs,i managed to be with him for the last 30mins, and shared his last breath with him. I was in shock, and still blame myself, Why? because i chose to have aminotest with the needle in my belly, so i blame myself, as all was perfecty well before that.
    I too lost my mum, i was 25,my mum had got over cancer and then had servere emphasema, as well as a herat bypass in 1985, she nearly died o0n the table.I then lost my b'friend in a hit and run, and them ny 1st born, all within 18mths, so i do understand some off your pain.I too am now on antidepressants, as i tried to commit suicide, it all got too uch this time rounfd with the loss of christian, but i have to be here now for wesley, i now understand that.
    Kay you are an amazing lady, you are so strong with all what you have had to deal with.I'm sure nicholas shared his last breath with you, and new his mummy & daddy loved him. I am appauled with how some of the funeral and nurses treated you, and glad you had a thoughtfull nurse.I will chat to you on your FB. Love to you, forever your friend.
    Gina Webb xxxxxxx

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  6. hi hun its claire lewis,
    Nicholas's memorial is so very beautiful, you have made such a beautiful place to come and remember him, im so very sorry for your loss, i cried my eyes out reading his and your story, just think hun, many people dream of holding an angel, you held yours in your womb and then your arms, im so sure that nicholas is so proud of his very brave and beautiful mummy, and i hope that your little angel is playing happily with my 4 little angels, bradley, dolciey, alliyah and lewis, you are an inspiration to all angel mummies, you help others, thank you ever so much for inviting me to view nicholas's story,i feel honoured, rip sweet little angel nicholas, sweet dreams baby boy, definietly gone too soon, love and hugs to you and your mummy xxxxxxxxxxx

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  7. Thank you so much for your beautiful comments, your love and support mean the world to me. Its nearly 16 years since my precious little angel Nicholas grew his angel wings, and yet still is isn't any easier....The pain is just as raw as it was back then.... I thank my precious little Nicholas everyday for making me the woman and mother I am today.....I just wish the guilt and "what ifs" would go away, but I don't think they ever will....For every breath I take, and every move I make, are, and always will be for Nicholas, for he continues to live on in me, Chris and his younger brother Shane and younger sister Kimberley, who both love and adore him just as much as Chris and I do....Precious little Angel Nicholas will always and forever be remembered and loved on "Our Angels Beach" here at Somers, Victoria, Australia....Along with all his other angel playmates whose names have been written in the sand here xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

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  8. I read your story and had a breakdown..your story matched mine in so many ways. I was 20 weeks when my daughter was diagnosed with anencephaly, which is also a neural tube defect. She had no chance to survive at all. The major parts of her brain were not there. We also chose to deliver early..but my experiance was slightly better at the hospital..the worst part was them calling it an abortion. A child so wanted...made me upset..signing that dang paper of consent awful!! they told me she would not survive labor..but she did!! Angel grace mccann born on 4/22/2010 LIVED for 2 hrs and 45 min...we treasured every moment. I am in the throws of dispair right now...and would love another friend to talk to..I am on fb, so look me up if you would like to..our stories seem to match up in so many ways..and i feel oh so guilty..but she was heaven sent no matter what choice we made. Love you baby girl.

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  9. kay its laura ive just read this xxxxx thinking of u always <3 xxx nicholas <3 summer rose xxxx

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  10. Dear Kay & other broken hearts,
    Kay wrote my beautiful 18 yr old daughter Lisa's name in the sand for me. She'd be 31 now! 24 yrs ago, I also carried a son Charles Michael to full term but he died while inside. They sent me home to grieve over the weekend & induced on Mon am. It didnt take long, we held him for awhile & they took a picture of him for us. And took'm away. We were devasted, no options for burial or anything were presented to us. A week later? I called there was a mass cremation! Total devastation! I have empathy for you all-you are not alone in your despair. Much Love to you all <3 Elizabeth Simpkins

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